Anecdotes.

- Well, as the wedding night? .

*****.

$ 265 for the treatment of Internet addiction? .

*****.

Now in the kitchen with my mother sitting.

on the table a plate, knife and frying pan.

I take a plate - it falls. I'm collecting pieces: - okay, Mom, fortunately.

I take a knife - he falls, and stuck to the linoleum.

- The mothers, the guests.

mom:.

- You just remember that the pan - this is a slap.

*****.

New Year.

- Hello, Misch!.

- Zdraste, Nicholas Roerich.

- Guess the riddle: do not drink or smoke - on duty for the new year!.

- Uh. This is what you are hinting at?.

*****.

A drunken man rings the doorbell, he opened a woman.

- Prstite says man thickly, ' I live here?.

No, I live here, ' replies the woman.

A, Sorry.

Looked like a man in a circle, and again in front of the door stop.

- Prstite, I do not live here?.

-No. I told you, I live here.

Looked like a man on the landing, and again breaking through the door.

- Sorry, I live here?.

Vzbeshannaya woman shouts:.

- I'll speak the Russian language: I live here! ...

Well, why do you all live, and I'm nowhere?.

*****.

The investigator shall report to the chief:.

- Husband - wife a chemist caught with her lover, and they have since disappeared, as.

dissolved.

Operations:.

- ...

*****.

- I'm with my wife going on a fishing trip!.

- You've got fishes?.

- Initially, fishing, and then nothing - was involved.

*****.

The guy saw a girl with a high, beautiful breasts. And, as the trailer:.

- Let me touch it - $ 20 Ladies.

- Go to hell!.

- Well let touch it, I will give $ 100,.

- Yes, Get off you!.

Dotorgovalis to thousands, she agreed. Picks up a T-shirt:.

- Here, touch it, only to quickly!.

He lifts his hand, twisted, lower the. Again, raise again grimaced, lower the. The girl to him,.

- Well, what about you? .

- I can not! .

*****.

My husband decided to be present at birth. He went into the rodzal, fainted....

Pumped out... My wife started to give birth, fell again... so... pumped a couple more times.

Woke up, he said:.

- Congratulations, you have become a dad.

- Who?.

- You have a daughter!.

Well, thank God, though not to suffer the way I....

*****.

The blonde asked:.

- How many letters in the alphabet?.

- Seven.

- Seven? .

- ' A, A, F, A, B, and C'. Total - seven.

*****.

The father tells his son:.

- After school, my son, you'll learn at the institute, higher education.

- What is higher education? .

- This is what - is responsible father - in the eighties of last century was called the middle.

*****.

The old woman looked in the pram looks:.

- What are the lovely twins! .

- No, - responsible father - on the right is melon.

*****.

Husband - wife:.

- I asked pat my jacket!.

- But I stroked!.

- Not true! .

*****.

My mother 's son:.

- Why are you on the refrigerator painted letter F?.

- It is not F, is a snowflake.

- A drunken guests do you explain this?.

*****.

Girls and women do not obsess over advertising that says to.

ride with the automatic gearbox is enough of one leg and one arm. minimum.

must have at least one head with two eyes and a pair of convolutions.

*****.

Today I caught myself thinking that reading the article in the paper looking at the bottom of the window.

'Add comment'.

*****.

Maria Ivanovna:.

- Children make up a sentence with the words '. I,.

in fact, expected. '. Come on, Victor!.

- Dad went on a business trip and brought me a gift, as I am, in fact,.

expected.

- Well done! .

- In the evening I was feeding place in the pond, and in the morning they caught a bucket.

fish, as I have, in fact, expected.

- Good! .

- Katya Puzyreva of the parallel class is doing great blowjob.

- Get out of class, and do not come without their parents!.

- How can I, in fact, expected.

*****.

I decided to smoke less, leaving only the obligatory cigarette after sex.

Recently my wife and I did clean the apartment, found the cigarette under the bed.

- Turned yellow, dried up for three years.

*****.

President Medvedev has collected and asks pensioners: pensions, then you.

missing?.

Seniors: enough!.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, but something is?.

Seniors: left!.

President: but what is what to do?.

Seniors: eats!.

*****.

The dialogue between the two Gopnik in the bus:.

- Hey, where Bob, Cho - it can not see it?.

- Damn, so the hospital is.

- A human with him?.

- Concussion, broken jaw, six ribs, arm and leg.

- Oo?? .

- Yes, no, get drunk, went outside, prikopat to some students and.

he broke Whatman.

*****.

Nikolai Drozdov commented the process of mating raccoons and almost died.

with emotion.

*****.

The family had only one glass, so my husband stopped drinking, but.

when his wife molded ravioli.

*****.

At night the park is a drunk girl. It catches up with the guy:.

- Take your coat off, going to rape.

- The rapist? .

- Are you ohrenela? .

- Well, you finally can now rushing! .

*****.

In the computer club.

boy:.

- Admin .

admin:.

- Well, what I now he is back to the network?.

*****.

The doctor asks the patient:.

- Do you smoke?.

- No.

- You drink?.

- No.

- And the women?.

- Well, yes.

- I suppose, with smoked and drunk?.

*****.

- I have a friend of the 12th gave birth to a boy!.

- In. vn to bear as many children?.

- I say - 12 November.

*****.

Chef with a subordinate in the social networks suffer from garbage. Chef suddenly says:.

- Do not forget to work!.

Slave:.

- Do you remember.

Operations:.

- I work! .

*****.

A Jew and a Russian listening to the radio, declaring that the war has begun.

Jew grabs his head:.

- That there are problems, these problems. It is necessary to take the family somewhere, pack, and then go there yourself, somehow get. Such problems are on my head.

Russian answers: - Yes, and do not say the war - is a big problem.

- Oh, do not make me laugh, what's your problem - a rifle in his hands and the front.

*****.

in my childhood was not drugs, so we just choked each other with towels, and lost consciousness.

*****.

there are two. In one eye a bruise.

- What happened?.

- Yesterday a fight over a girl.

- With whom?.

- With his wife.

*****.

The school teacher:.

- Children, today we 'll take the word ' definitely'. Sostavte sentence with the word.

Masha:.

- The sky is definitely blue.

- No, it does not fit, the sky is gray.

Kate:.

- The grass is definitely green.

- Again, does not fit, the grass is yellow.

Little Johnny:.

- A possible issue?.

- Yes.

- And farting is lumpy?.

- Are not you ashamed of yourself!.

- So, I definitely crap.

*****.

CMCka - immunized poydksh us plump?, We immediately took up a few boxes of booze! . And who is this?.

*****.

In Tambov wolf died, who was a friend of more than 500 thousand. Russians!.

*****.

The call on the radio:.

- Good day!.

- Welcome!.

- Could you put the song 'Search ' Zemfira?.

- Of what, I'm sorry, the song?.

*****.

News: Nikita Dzhigurda kicked out of the Black Church of Satan, because.

when he came and said, ...

adherents of the church immediately smear.

****.

- Maxim, and my parents had gone to the country... You know what I mean? - M -m- m, Lucy, it's cool! .

****.

There is an excellent replacement for the Internet! .

You will deliver and evaluate, and add comments, and status in the next.

shout....

****.

The new version of ...

Dzhigurda voices, so before the start of the session will be distributed to spectators.

adult diapers.

****.

Crocodile stopped and pretended to log 30 minutes when the accident Valuev.

He sat down on the rest.

****.

Granddaddy, who suffers from incontinence:.

- I do not want to wake up to wet the bed, which will advise.

- Two options: disposable diapers, or hammock.

****.

If you wanted to have a night, go to the kitchen to drink 2 glasses of water.

SLEEP and running! .

****.

ad.

I bought a purebred cat, but a pity to pay money for some kind of creature.

Maybe someone will give a gift in good hands?.

****.

You put in a baking spices, then add more sugar, which.

disguise this stuff.

****.

She: So everything is OK?? .

BUT I DO NOT LIKE HOW YOUR LAPTOP I TOUCH TO 1 minute to go to.

CONTACT?? .

Laptop??.

He: Yes, yes, yes, yes, no.

****.

- I am to you!.

- Who are you?.

- I am your conscience!.

- Lost, do not bother to work!.

****.

Yesterday I was at his house. Above the bed hangs a kayak, all the walls are covered with.

guns for underwater fishing. And what is most annoying, he did.

constantly calls Rybka.

****.

If you stand naked in the closet, you're either a lover or an idiot.

****.

At a meeting of employees of the firm by the owner gives a speech:.

- Due to time constraints that are associated with a small.

because of the recession successfully ended with the newly global world.

crisis, we must recognize that the necessary changes to the.

infrastructure....

From the audience heard a lazy voice:.

- A shorter?.

- Well, if the two words to us - tryndets!.

****.

They come in a coupe of this smart, in years, well-dressed man and.

stunning young lady, with a languid glance. He reads the newspaper, she.

pretends to read a book every now and then postrelivaya eyes on him.

After some time between them is the following dialogue:.

- A young man, and I'm not interested in you at all?.

- Why, - he replied, - you are just very charm.

- But then why did you do nothing, because it is so.

exciting to win, entertain a woman to seduce her, you.

certainly know how it perfectly, and maybe then you will get.

prize. - She smiled enthusiastically.

- What's the point? .

Fresh morning kruazany?.

- Oh, yes, they are cracking.

- A dough is kneaded like?.

- What do you mean, I find it easier to go out and buy them at the bakery - neudoumevaya.

replied the young lady.

- Here I am not a poor man, - he smiled at her.

****.

- Sasha, I - a girl, me need to take care. For example, the ...

Gifts.

- Let me give you a better heavenly delight.

****.

All good button Reset, one drawback - very small, with a flourish.

fist out of anger will not get.

*****.

Muzh: - Dorogaya, lie today without me, nas nA rabote korporativchik something, do not se... znayu to how many zaderzhus....

Zhena: - Darling, skazhi best - before as far as I can firmly rasschityvat?.

*****.

NA radio call:.

Postavte, pozhaluysta, a song for my wife, kotoraya uehala nA dachu: 'I want to tak to summer is not konchalos '.

*****.

- How many minutes you are going to study?.

- 4 songs.

*****.

At the ambulance station telephone rings:.

- Ambulance? . Our friend had swallowed a corkscrew.

Ten minutes later:.

- Ambulance? .